Wednesday, October 17, 2012

      So, what do you do when you get what you’ve always wanted? There it is, boom. Martha Lou would like that I made such a clear opening statement wouldn’t she? I’ll be sure to start a sentence with and in this blog to counteract that. She used to pull my hair when she knew I could do better, remember that classmates? I’m gonna write this fast and on the fly, so forgive my grammar just this once please.

      It seems I now have achieved something that I never thought I could but was always in need of. And now I don’t know what to do with it. I’ve held on to wanting this “thing” for so long that it’s really part of who I am. I don’t want to give many details out, because it concerns another person and I don’t want to involve them here. I will say that it’s not a physical, tangible, thing but an emotional “thing.” It has to do with a lot of hate and rage that I’ve carried for, well, all my adult life.

      To try and understand this, I think back to the things I’ve always wanted. I’ve always wanted to be socially accepted. I felt like an outsider in school, but then later I learned that pretty much everyone else did too. So that was pointless. Also around that time I always wanted a Fiero GT. I truly loved that car, never got it. I rationalized to my father that he had been given a hot new car in high school. Again, never got it. Instead I got several cars in back then and loved them all, funny how that worked out. Lets see, I also wanted an Irish Setter. I was about 7 or 8 when I had that great want. My dad promised me that if I got up early and fed the chickens for, I don’t know, two months straight in the summertime, I could have this dog. Never happened. He claimed that he had never made that promise. I couldn’t have been wrong about that could I? I’m not remembering incorrectly, I don’t think. I do know that I fed those f%cking chickens all summer! Either way, no puppy.

      Straight hair, that’s another thing I always wanted and never got. Oh the embarrassment in high school when it would kink up after PE. So very embarrassing. I wanted to lose my dreaded virginity like all my bros had done. Guess what, most of them were lying through their teeth...bastards. Jealousy, envy, all those emotions played into the things I wanted during my teen years. Now I know that I’m “grown” I think I was better off without all the things I wanted, I think the wanting made me a better person. Not that I’m some great person, but that I understand that you can be made better by appreciating the things you have.

      Then on into my so called adult years, the sins of the teen years were taking their toll. All I wanted then was forgiveness. I had done some things that I truly wanted to undo. I tried to be a better person and make a better life and any and all success I had during that time was due to me wanting to show the person I hurt that I could be “good.” Through that wanting I learned to accept the blame for my actions and to be accountable for the things I did. That parlayed into successes in college and in my job. All due to the wanting to show this person how well I could perform. I think I needed a reason to be hard working. Not that I didn't’ have a million other reasons to do “right”, but this one reason was what drove me. Then one day, I was able to apologize to this person, and through God’s Grace, the person forgave me. So, I actually did get what I wanted in this instance, but I wanted to show how desperately I wanted this forgiveness and how ultimately it led to a better life for me.

      Now on to the present. For years I have been taking my brain to shrinks trying to work on my many issues. But this one issue, it’s a big part of who I am and I’ve worked on it for a long long time. My current doc said laughingly “that’s going to be several sessions” when referring to this issue. She’s a great doc by the way. Back to the subject, I now have gotten this thing I’ve always wanted. For decades I’ve wanted this thing and now here it is. I can accept it (I haven’t accepted it yet) but then what? How do you let go of a “wanting” that has been part of who you are for decades? I mean this thing really defines me. At least part of me. 

     In the instance above, getting what I wanted was a great thing, but will this be a great thing? Am I just going to be hurt again? Can a tiger change it’s stripes? This issue is similar to that issue in that it involves forgiveness. I’m trying to put myself in the person who forgave me’s shoes, but it’s proving to be a difficult task.

     To be very frank and honest, I have taken some joy in doling out punishment toward the person who hurt me when I could. That’s a hard thing to admit to anyone reading this, but I did it...a lot. A verbal barb here or an unreturned phone call there, yeah I did all that. I considered it the least I could do to return the pain. And though it was wrong, it did give me some sense of retribution and I enjoyed it each time.

     So now, put yourself in my shoes-if you can based on the minimal information I disclosed about what was done to me-and let me know what you think I should do. Go deeper than a one line response and imagine yourself and the person who has hurt you most in your life..and them asking for forgiveness from you. Would you do it? Really? I don’t know if I can.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Father of the Year

This time I want to blog about something very specific, the one thing that has compelled me to drop the first F bomb on my facebook wall. Most of you have seen the facebook dad who posted a video berating his daughter and then shooting up her laptop with his .45. I have to tell you all, this really pisses me off. And something else that really pisses me off is so many of my friends agree with what the dad did. People, are you honestly as stupid as this guy? Really? You can’t be, none of my friends are this bad a parent, are they?

Now you’re pissed too? Good, now you know how I feel. If you think this piece of human garbage is right in what he did, then you have some deadly serious problems. Firstly, it is FACT that the world IS NOT getting worse and kids today are NOT worse than when we were kids. The fact is, grasshopper, YOU have changed and not the world. I wrote a blog on this a few months ago and it is pure fact. You can disagree with me, if you don’t mind being wrong. Let me share; when I was a teenager I drank booze, I was having sex (with girls too), every other word was a four letter word, I skipped school, I stayed out all night and lied about where I was. I didn’t care about my grades. I cheated on tests. I talked bad about my parents (just like the girl here). I snuck out and I snuck in, into bedrooms not my own even. Heh, a great many of these things I probably did with you, Mr or Mrs “kids are worse today.” They’re NOT.

And you know what? Our parents did this too. Most of our parents were teenagers in the 60s. I’m sure they think the same thing, that we were worse than them when in fact they had all the free love and dope smoking. Their parents probably hated them all lol. The ways and means of the world may change, but the facts remain. To us it was our parents listening to us talk on the phone or reading our diaries, today its twitter and facebook. Tomorrow it will be something else. But parents will always think that their kids are worse than they were at that age.

Now that we’ve set that straight lets look at what we know about the guy. Firstly, nobody has mentioned the fact that this is a one sided story. I would like to see the other two sides and then the Paul Harvey side. How do you know that dad is being truthful? He could pretty much say what he wants, correct? Who would believe daughter over dad, especially when he’s the one with the gun? I can only imagine what his relationship is like with her. In his video he is being the child. He’s doing nothing more than throwing a fit. He’s letting her know that this is the way adults act. It’s OK to do what he does. I wonder if dad has any priors? We do know that he’s divorced, that came as a huge shock to me personally. I mean who wouldn’t want to have a whiny ranting gun toting loser in a bad hat for a husband. I bet he had the chicks liked up when he kicked mom to the curb. Shit I about went gay when I first saw him.

So, to those who agree with the father of the year here, for a few minutes let’s imagine a few things. Imagine he’s your kids teacher. Imagine he’s your kid’s coach. Wouldn’t it be great to see him pull out his good ol .45 on the ump at the next T-ball game? He could shoot a few holes in home plate! HE WAS SAFE YOU MOTHER...Yeah I’d pay to see that. Imagine he’s the dad to one of your kid’s best friends and they want your kid to come to a spend the night party. Honestly, I have a serious take on this, what if he’s the father of your grandchild. The daughter he’s berating and belittling is your granddaughter and your daughter’s husband. That's a scary image right there, but he is someone's son in law.

Once my dad took the valve stems out of all 4 of my tires so I couldn’t go anywhere. That night I took all 4 valve stems out of his truck tires and put them in mine. I pumped up the tires and hauled ass, leaving him sitting on 4 flats. Did that do any good, any of it? Nope, not for me or for him. I think that was something like the guy here was trying to do. After the nationwide humiliation he’s caused his daughter don’t be surprised if she uses a gun on him. I’d vote to acquit if I was on that jury.

I only ask everyone to remember, we were all once the son or daughter. We were once in this girl’s position. Maybe it’s because I’m still just a big kid that I see this as horrible. Remember that you ARE the child and imagine what it would be like if your dad did this to you. The child lives on in YOU. You talked about your parents too, you may have even gotten caught doing it. But dad didn’t shoot up your stuff and post it on fb. If dad would have built any kind of quality relationship with his daughter, this would not have come about.

What did you want your parents to do when you were a teen in trouble? How should have they acted? Well, do that the next time. I don’t think anyone can say “man if my dad had only have shot up all my stuff and put it on youtube then I’d have turned out better.”

Be the adult that remembers how it was to be the child. Again, you can disagree with me if you don’t mind being wrong (I love that line). Flame on, I’m ready for it.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

It's a Good Day

    I haven’t written anything in a while. I didn’t make any of conscious effort to not do so, it just happened this way. In taking a look at my writing as a whole, it seems that I write more when things are at their most bleak. In truth, I hardly even post on facebook these days. As I sit here today, my life as a whole is far better than it was say six months ago. Today my days are filled with joy, laughter and love.

Since I don’t feel the “need” to write as much today as then, I started to wonder if all writers write due to what they see as their dark times? I know that's the case in my life and I wonder if it is the norm? I have friends that write and blog as I do. I think some of them are in the same frame of mind that I’ve been in the last few years. I think it’s an outlet for me, a way to scream and say what’s really on my mind. Perhaps it’s their outlet as well? I know it made me feel, that when people read my musings and commented back, that the world heard me and knew that I hurt. I felt accepted and when others felt as I did I felt accepted.

I have two kinds of writing that I do. The first is the one being my public blog and comments and such. And the second being the writing that I do only for myself. The latter never to be published lol. There’s some really good bad stuff in there, heh. Those lines are most definitely my way of screaming at the world, and often times the people in it. It makes me feel so much better to get those things out and not have them roam around in my head.  I haven't been putting out any of either form in quite a while now. I just don't feel like I need to scream right now, and that's a good thing.

    So, true to form, this is a short blog. I’m afraid that I don’t have much to say these days. I’m in a really good place right now and I hope you are too. However, my cynicism is just below the surface and I”m sure that it will pop up and help me write a blog or two every once in a while. The world is still just as whacked and there will always be people like me to point out the obvious.

I hope I get to see each one of you soon, L3